All of my best ideas involve jail time.
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Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference