I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
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Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Catercrombie & Fish
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
when someone rings the doorbell
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️