@Ideal_Victoria: All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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@TySmithdrums: Me: "I can't find your phone." Her: "Call it." Me: "Here, phone!" Her: "I hate you."
@MouthOfSass: Just found some clothes my ex left here. Perfect timing since I'm out of toilet paper.
@CornOnTheGoblin: Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.