@Ideal_Victoria: All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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@Underchilde: I sure get a lot of compliments on my people skills for someone who flips off 10 people every day.
@KelgoreTrout: the guy who named the spatula was so lazy. hes like "what should i call this thing that spatulas?"
@juliussharpe: People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. "Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin."