All right stop, coagulate and thicken
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[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Cat is stressing him out.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
couldn’t resist
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well