All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
the battle rages on
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Are we there yet?…
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her