All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Finally!
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.