The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!