All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
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our love story in four pictures
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.