my friends when i can’t do basic math
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
I can’t be the only one 😂
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born