@vuhsace: All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
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@stevevsninjas: me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride's side? lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
@Perfect_Beanis: in 2001 i was in a coma dying from meningitis and someone played "in the end" by linkin park and i woke up to tell them to turn it off
@pinupteacher: My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.
@yerpalmildsauce: Here it is, folks: "Do imaginary octopi have ... (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?"