If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.