@vuhsace: All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
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@kelkulus: People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
@NicestHippo: DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here [earlier that morning] ME: *trying to get up for work*
@DanMentos: "Your son's been involved in a shenanigan" What kinda shenanigans? "It was just one shenanigan" You called me down here for one shenanigan?