Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone