Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
don’t we all
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.