All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
This did not end as expected.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
congratulations to them
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.