My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
You Might Also Like
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
blocked.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Can Happiness buy money?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.