All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
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Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Hot Hot Hot
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real