FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
how high up are we talkin’?
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”