All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….