All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Baller is short for ballerina
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*