All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
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I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*