Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”