@ramblinma: All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
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@Storminika: "We don't have iced coffee" Me: "You have coffee?" "Yes" Me: "You have ice?" "Yes" Me: "Were you raised in a barn?"
@behindyourback: *a friend tells me their problems* me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
@Iwriteforcats: Her: Wanna "lex" tonight? Him: What's that? Her: Lazy sex. Him: What do we do? Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
@pixelatedboat: Ronald McDonald kills millions of cows and he's the world's most beloved clown, but I butcher one and I "ruined your son's birthday party"?