@ramblinma: All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@flashember: ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse FRIEND: the horse isn't Hoofy or something? ME: grow up Kalvin
@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
@yeetztweetz: *watches precisely one documentary* hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly
@thenatewolf: WIFE: You kept screaming “no, no, no, no, no” in your sleep. What were you dreaming about? ME: a well balanced diet and exercise