@ramblinma: All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.
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@vikkaroni: You're never too old to throw random shit in people's shopping carts when they aren't looking.
@EliTerry: Many people are surprised to hear I'm married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
@GMPaiella: The part of the Bible I relate to the most is when Jesus makes a scene at the farmers market