All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?