All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.