Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Previously On Persistence 😎
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.