All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.