cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
This is my cat’s medicine.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that