free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Good morning!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract