alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️