[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Smile they said.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.