ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
mom gave me mine for free
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”