Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name