Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
You Might Also Like
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room