80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.