Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
You Might Also Like
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay