Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know