“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.