“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: