Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Yoga Matt
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
There is no “we” in pizza
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.