Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?