“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
channeling her this year
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.