Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
You Might Also Like
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh