Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself