[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.