The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
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*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
…u ok Nintendo?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Every. Damn. Time.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
School be like
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”