The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
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“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
new shirt idea
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts