Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Lmao
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…