Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
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Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*