Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I鈥檓 gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
me: why do you think my parents don鈥檛 love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Nutritionist: if you can鈥檛 pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn鈥檛 eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I can鈥檛 believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I鈥檒l make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Elton John: 馃幍Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday馃幍
Me: Jesus Christ, we鈥檙e just going bowling.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you鈥檝e made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
glad to see they鈥檙e taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):