@AaronFullerton: Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
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@internetluke: [ordering pizza alone] Yeah I'd like a large pepperoni and *changes voice* A medium sausage *changes voice again* Another large pepperoni
@adam_bloomquist: Saw a billboard that said: Don't be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don't be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
@AndyAsAdjective: Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear? Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops. Wife: I counted 19. Me: Well I rounded down.