@lisaxy424: Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you're wrong they'll think you're joking and if you're right they'll feel dumb.
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@RoosterMustache: *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy
@illuminatedwndr: hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it 'No Filter', go with a filter next time. serious
@sixfootcandy: How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"