Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse