Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Going to church you guys need anything